It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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