My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
