Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
