When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
