sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
