she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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