3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
