tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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