I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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