Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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