He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
