In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
