Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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