The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
