i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
