I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
