not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
