Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
