alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
