Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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