walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
