I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
