I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
