This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
