i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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