definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
