I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
