I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
