and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
