We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
