took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
