I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
