god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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