Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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