it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
