my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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