Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
