take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
