so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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