I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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