You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
