I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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