hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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