I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
