update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
