remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
