i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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