I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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