Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
