You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I see more hoeing in ur future
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